Lately, I have had writers block because I am not getting any pussy therefore I ?will just put together a little montage of some of facebook greatest status updates moments lately??? (And I promise you will not be bored?). Sadly, I lose all creative flow and get ?writer?s block? when I am not dealing with some bitch?.. I need to work on this situation now and learn how to find inspiration outside of the vagina.
Some of my greatest facebook status updates from October to Mid-September? (there were too many in September to put in this one blog, will continue later!)
And here we go?
Starting with a quote from Lady GaGa, I blasted this a couple of days ago on my Facebook!
?Some women choose to follow men/women, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you?re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn?t love you anymore.? -Lady GaGa?
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And the rest from here on out are MY ?totally ORIGINAL updates (unless otherwise noted)! Enjoy??..
?I seriously don?t believe in karma, People really have no morals, no character, and no conscience. It?s quite sad how cruel we are to each other today!?
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??This is what I don?t get about love and relationships?.?
Everyone always thinks their new love is greater than the love they had before, so you kinda invalidate all the shit you said before about all your ex hoes thus making all the previous bitches just another notch on your belt? Do you know how many times I have heard, ?She is the one! I have never loved anyone like this?.? From lesbians?only to hear them say the same shit about someone else next week?!?
So, what is the point then? If everyone is always just a stepping stone to someone else and then none of these relationships last?. Why bother? Lesbians don?t know what love is, don?t value previous relationships, and in the end we are only left with ourselves and our faith.
So, what really is the point? If we all are just going to end up a notch on someone?s belt anyway?.. I value my time and myself to much to deal with people just passing thru because of their own fear of being alone. Because that?s what it all boils down too!
Over 50% of marriages end in divorce? Clearly none of us have a clue what love is, and there is no ?one?, and everyone is just passing thru looking for the grass is always greener!?
Explain to me how folks can think one person is ?the one? and then jump and think the next person they date is the ?the one? etc etc?.Clearly this shows there is no ?one!?"
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? A lot of lesbians settle with their lives, love, and who they are and never self actualize, never really trying to improve themselves and strive for something greater, this is why gay men are more successful than lesbians, not just because of sexism but because men don?t except the status quo, or settle for what is, or just get trapped by insecurities as a whole! Women are trained to accept, be one with our bullshit, learn ?lessons? from our failures while never moving past our struggles.?
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Studies have even shown women are more passive surrounded around a lot of men, we are silenced by just the presence of men which is sad, and gay women because of sexuality (not fully being accepted by society) and gender politics are some lost souls! We succumb adopting hetero sexual norms, a lower class lifestyle, and just believing that bullshit Marilyn Monroe quote, ? if you can?t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don?t deserve me at my best.? Which doesn?t help any situation? it just justifies all your bullshit, which leads to lesbians never taking time to find themselves or get past their insecurities! Hence, this epidemic of serial monogamy!
I am actively trying to improve myself, find my path, and not settle for mediocre bullshit in life and love! I want to be fabulous like my gay boys! I refuse to accept lesbian complacency, and just be another dyke self fulfilling prophecy!!!!!?
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?I am so tight that Jack didn?t even try to bring his beanstalk into my shit!?
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?I am so tight that the princess just couldn?t fit her pea!?
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?I am so tight the witch didn?t have a place to put her broomstick.?
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?Another dating lesson for anyone that fucks with women??.
?People only fight for people that treat them like shit!? -Jess-ism
So, if you are good to a bitch she will drop your ass in a second but if you treat her like shit she will be begging for more!?
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?There was this baby in the elevator with me and because I never notice anything but hot adult pussy that I didn?t realize how little/small babies actually are and they are so dependent/attached to their mothers! DAMN?. Babies are some little needy bitches!!!!?"
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?I am not going to stand in the fantasy with you, I am here to be an interruption to the patterns that don?t honor the truth in who you are!? ? Iyanla V
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?Propaganda in advertising and in the culture as a whole assures the poor that they can be one with those who are materially privileged if they own the same products. It helps to sustain the false notion that ours is a classless society. When these values are accepted by the poor they internalize habits of being that make them act in complicity with greed and exploitation. These acts are the incidents the well-off emphasize to denigrate the poor while simultaneously holding them accountable for their fate!?" ? Bell Hooks
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?I decided I am going to commit voter fraud because I want to continue this horrible epidemic! It?s like a disease (?voter fraud?) everyone is catching it and everyone doing it!
Yeah, I look forward to heading to my homegirl?s?hood, standing in line for 20 mins, and chatting it up with the old people that work the polls, and those old bitches, 80+ hoes, can ?GET IT? too, Shout out to?them: WORK THOSE POLLS LADIES! ?.And the whole time I?ll be wearing a secret disguise pretending to be her, I think I?ll wear a mask with it because this way Folks will have NO idea, and then I?ll get up to the booth and vote for Obama! ?Seriously, I want that sticker ?I voted? twice, son!!!! TWICE!!! WHAT!
OMG! I am just so excited, my friend will have no idea about this shit. She will go later to the polls and get DENIED!! ?What do you mean I can?t vote!??!? This is the best shit EVER?.. Voter Fraud, You gotta do it son, Gotta do it! Now, let me go back to the old bitches?. They want to give me THREE stickers, HOLLA!
Bonus Note: I wonder if Uncle Tom will be there?. He told me he was voting for Mitt Romney today! I just love his Sambo impressions! 
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?Pussy always comes first for me! I will chase it anywhere and everywhere? But, I am not like the bitches that only go to lesbian bars/parties!?
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?I am over lesbian friends of mine that only want to go lesbian bars because they want to meet women? Every chick at a lesbian bar is played out, and we can?t just chill and get a fucking cocktail sometimes. Straight and gay boy bars are better anyway?.. Not everything needs to be about the pussy! Fuck you! Plus, you have no game anyway, you just stand next to me drooling over hoes you can?t get anyway at the lez clubs. Over it! I?m firing all those whack dykes now!?
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?And you wonder why I hate brooklyn? ?Despite the influx of hipsters and high-income sophisto professionals, Brooklyn is home to one of New York State?s poorest populations, with over one in five residents under the official poverty line, roughly 50 percent above the state average. This likely understates the problem since the cost of living in the borough is now the second-highest in the nation to Manhattan, surpassing even high-tone San Francisco.?
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?Casting for 50 Shades of Grey?.
Ana -?Emma Watson
Christian -?Chris Hemsworth
Done.?
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?I really don?t understand gender roles in our society. What really makes a ?Real woman? and ?Real man??!?!?? I thought because I truly believe and feel I am a woman, I am a ?real woman??.But, I guess there are rules to being a ?woman? or a ?man? now?..?
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?A friend of mine put in her status?.
?Real women know how to cook, can change their own oil, get a little dirty when needed but still know how to clean up and turn heads!?
My Answer?
1. I don?t know how to cook.
2. I don?t know how to change the oil. I don?t know anything about cars. (this is the truth)
3. I don?t like to get dirty! (Again, true)
4. I totally dont know how to ?turn heads? (again, true!!!) Little round brown girls like me don?t turn heads?..?Zoe Saldana?turns heads, not me.??
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?A friend of mine put this as her status?..
?Looking back at your past should make you smile in the present? you wonder what would have, could have been but ultimately you are where you?re suppose to be and always headed to where you?re going. #delight?
My Answer?.
Ummmmm? No. Looking back at my pass and all the time I wasted on evil hoes just depresses me! Plus, I am still a clueless bitch figuring out how to get to my ?destiny? (which is producing my own shows)?. And my ?past? isn?t helping there either. All around? the past sucks, look to the future! Enjoy the NOW! Live life for today! Figure out your shit fast as the clock keeps on ticking and your ass keeps getting motherfucking older!?
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?I wish I was as confident as?NENE LEAKES, she has more balls than me. I am a pussy once you get to know me, always letting bitches (male and female) take advantage of me in real life.?
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?I want to drink from the fountain of youth. This country isn?t kind to old pussy!?
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??In this day and age, it?s quite disappointing that so many shows failed to hire even a single woman or minority director during the course of an entire season ? even shows whose cast and crew otherwise is notably diverse. And, ?We just don?t know anybody,? doesn?t cut it anymore ? the pool of talented and experienced women and minority directors grows every year, and too many of these qualified, capable directors are still overlooked.? ? Paris Barclay, the DGA?s First Vice President?
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?Lesbian Dating Rule: Be Broke, Be fat, Have a bad/elitist attitude for no real reason, be straight up whack, and watch the pussy fall for you!?
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?Lesbian Dating Rule: Don?t get a job, Don?t have a career, Don?t try to maintain or lose your weight? because lesbians don?t like women that are actually going places and that are not 8,000 pounds!?
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All women are crazy, its about if your crazy matches with their crazy, thats the true secret to dating?.?
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?Breaking News:?Ke$ha?Claims She Had Sex With Ghost?!?!! Really, boo?!?! I still love her dirty ass tho. Keep on being crazy!?
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?Women Speak 101:
?We need to talk.? TRANSLATION: You are getting FIRED or you are on the way to getting your ass fired! She is giving you the BOOT!!!
?Can I ask you a question?? TRANSLATION: ?.The follow up question to this is usually something about your ?relationship? or annoyingly awkward deep personal question that you have to answer correctly or you will ?need to talk? later..?
Personally, I just avoid all ?need to talk? situations by tossing a bitch first! Saves time and energy and we don?t have to ?talk!?
Example Dating Situation For Me:
My Apartment ? Night
JESSICA and BITCH #1 are cuddled up on a couch watching a movie and having a great romantic night.
Bitch #1: Hey Jess, we need to talk.
Me: YES! I AGREE! This isn?t working out., its not you it?s me, we need space, I need time to figure myself out, maybe we should have time apart, I just don?t think we are in the same place right now, I need time for myself.
Bitch #1: Oh?. Well? I?.
Me: I know it?s a lot to take in, take your time, call me if you need anything, I still truly want to be friends.
Bitch #1: Ok?!?!
Me: I think it?s best you go! We just need some time to think, you know?
JESSICA walks BITCH #1 to the door and she leaves.?
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?I just want to be a beautiful broom that dates other beautiful brooms!?
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?I wish I was the crypt keeper, At least he is skinny! ?
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?I am old and decrepit. And I like the word ?decrepit??. This must mean I am really old.?
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?I love how I am only 20 something and I am already going senile?..
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?Lesbians are notorious for not calling you back, gave my number to a lesbian bitch again and no damn response!!! Don?t give me your digits if you don?t want me to call you!!! Lesbians get your shit together! Fucking hate all of you, insecure pieces of shit! Dykes I am a big girl, if you say, ?oh i am not interested, or we can be new friends, or even lie and say ?I?m seeing a bitch right now!? It?s fine! I don?t give a flying fuck? On to the next trick! But, when I get your number because you agreed to give me the digits and you don?t even respond, that pisses me off and puts you on my list of ?dumb fucking insecure cunts! In conclusion, I really have to stick to only fucking with bi women!?
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?I would never make a good teacher. First of all, I don?t like tiny or even medium sized (teenaged) bitches. Second, I am not a very nice or patient person! I would kill those tricks after five minutes!? ME: ?Shut the fuck up you tiny/medium bitches and stop asking me dumb questions like ?why is she yelling like that?!? as I watch my Internet porn!!! Teacher has a dry pussy!?"
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?Asking the question, ?girls with six packs, hot or not?!? is like asking me, ?do you want a hot bitch to fuck your dry pussy, yes or no?!?? Stupid questions, get stupid answers!?
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?I wish I had that newscaster look! #jealous?
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?I like my women to look like beautiful brooms!?
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?The only way to get things done in this country/government is to compromise, the left and right coming together to the middle to make change, but since I am not in government?? Republicans can kiss my black gay ass!!?
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?Black Republicans and Gay Republicans are damn fools, and I know they think otherwise but I don?t care what stupid people ?think!?"
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?I love it when corporations try to market to the ?colored folks?? They are so damn clueless, always comes off so contrived, thus giving me a GREAT laugh!?
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?Can I get a little racism on the side of the homophobia, and some sexism for dessert??
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?This is the email I received late last night from a RANDOM stranger dude on facebook?.
?hi how are you? don?t take this the wrong way im not only asking you, i have been asking many different girls besides you. it may not be your thing but some girls it is. but i wanted to ask you would you be interested in a orgy party its going to be fun and discreet. everyone will be having a good time. there will be other hot girls and hot guys there. so fun for everyone. if you are not interested then thanks for reading and thanks for your time nice talking to you. the party is this saturday so if you would like more info just hit me up and ill get it to you. thanks again.?
My Answer?..
Yes, I am totally go to an orgy party that some STRANGER invited me to on FB!!! #ThisIsAGoodIdea?
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?I am excited to attend the random scary orgy party this stranger invited me to on facebook. This is a safe and smart plan!?
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?I am annoyed that people think I will actually go to a random orgy party that some stranger dude invited me to on facebook! Y?all read too much into my status updates!?
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?I like to rank my women! Plus, give a trophy to a bitch! ?Yeah, you get a blue ribbon for sucking my clit! But, you only took the silver in fucking my shit!??..Happy Tuesday, FBers!?
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?Gay Man #1: Man, you?re gay.
Gay Man #2: Nah, I?m not gay, man you?re gay?
Gay Man #1: Hell no! I?m not gay, you?re gay?
Gay Man #2: whatever man, I?m no homo.
(Both men go into their apartment and fuck!)?
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?One thing I would hate to be in life besides being a little round brown lesbian, would be a horse attached to a damn carriage! That looks like it would suck, and not in a good way! I would wanna bust a cap in some human ass for real!?
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?Are there cocktails at Baby Showers?!?!? I have never been to one. And I can?t go to a party that doesn?t have cocktails! BTW, what do you get babies?!?!! I still think a bottle a jack would work!?
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These bitches need to stop playing? Folks need to learn the definition of a ?Top!? ? From the Versatile bitch! (Meaning: I can top or bottom depending on the bitch and my mood!)?
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?One of these days I want a night intimate clam bake on the beach birthday (Like in REVENGE) with a few good friends and a hot piece of ass I am fucking on the side?.?
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?I think I want The Acorn Stairlift because I hate stairs and walking up or down them in my heels! Plus, I am an old lazy hoe!?
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?We are talking about ?date meals? at work, I haven?t have a ?date meal? with an attractive chick I actually liked in like 19348123908310842193918290 months!?
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?Dear Lesbians, if you live in NYC and/or any urban area hiking boots are just not appropriate on these concrete streets! Anyway, Where are u hiking too?!? The subway?!?! No. Hiking Boots are ugly and make your feet stink! There is no reason to wear these ugly godforsaken shoes unless you are actually HIKING?. So, do everyone a favor put those ugly shoes back in the closet, stop pretending your fat ass actually works out ie hikes, and buy some regular shoes that can help you catch that A train without you looking like a Wanna-Be Lumberjack!?
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?Three worst things every invented: Sweatpants, Skorts (wear either shorts or a skirt, PICK ONE, Confused Bitch!!!), and Clogs! Nobody looks attractive in any of this shit!?
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?Sweatpants = Child Molester. The End.?
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Source: http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/facebook-status-updates-october-to-mid-september/
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